Friday, September 23, 2005

Mother, Again

Mario said...
Mother, I feel like I'm falling back into old habits. The past two days I've been super excited and riding this high. But I feel it already subsiding and I dont want that to happen again. I get really depressed over the winter and I dont want that to happen again. I realize that and I acknowledge that but the thing is, I feel like in the last two days I've needed attention so badly, and that I'm doing things falling into the same things that I've done before to fit in. I know its not right, and I want to know if you have any advice on how to be myself and stay myself and not change to make people laugh or like "me." SO what can I do? How can I stay
true to myself?


"When the winter months and the holidays start to come, people naturally start to feel stress. With the holidays, it's a time for families and gatherings, and a lot of times that means stress to people. For example, if you've lost weight, and you've worked on losing weight all summer, and you know the holidays are around the corner, just thinking about it tends to frighten people that they will slip back into there old habits. The sun doesn't shine as much, and there's more rain and snow keeping you inside and so you feel more depressed. This is the time that you should listen to positive music--no 50 Cent! The Rascals are very upbeat.

For attention you need to surround yourself with people who share your interests--how about ballroom dance lessons? Don't laugh! You are tall so you would be great at it. I recommend that you watch Shall We Dance with Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez. The character in there is has a great life, but he feels guilty for wanting something more.

According to Super Nanny Jojo, when you are feeling neglected, you need to go to your parents and say, "I'm not getting enough attention! Can you focus on me for awhile?" If you don't tell them, how will they know? Try to give them a chance.

As a mother, I would want my children to come to me, for whatever is bothering them so that I can help fix it.

You have to have self-confidence; you have to believe in yourself before you can expect others to. Who says you have to fit in? You need to learn to be a leader instead of a follower! You have to replace a negative habit (like smoking, etc.) with a good habit (like running when you wanted to smoke, or reading). Gradually the new habit will replace the old one. If your habit is falling into a depression during winter, you need to make a conscious effort to recognize when it happens, and change the behaviors. If your pattern is to please others but compromise yourself, same thing.

Look in the mirror everyday and say, " I love myself. I am worth it. I was created in His image, and I am loved." And be happy:)

--The Mother"

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Mother Is In

message for the mother,

hyia mother. It's anonymous...not the same one as before, a different anonymous but still anonymous. I'm starting to feel sad, but not depressed just sad. It hasn't been the greatest summer, or past few years really. I just finished high school and in the past 4 years I haven't made any life long friends, I don't have a social life but I'm still friendly with people so I'm not exactly an outcast. Its like I have friends at school but they're all part of tight knit cliques that won't open up to anyone.
Aside from that, this summer hasn't been the greatest. My dad took off and isn't living with us anymore, he lives with his mother. He won't support my mother or I aside from the $300 or so that hes given us in the past 2 months. My mom works part time in a store and thats not enough to even buy groceries, we had to go to the food bank two days ago and the cheesebread was growing mould.
We used to live in a huge house that my mom bought when I was born, but my dad managed to get us evicted after 16 years (the week after my 16th birthday actually, it prevented me from taking my birthday trip to Flordia). My mom and I constantly face the fear of eviction from the townhouse we now live in, we've had our gas turned off and we even spent a month with our hydro cut off (because it was winter, it was on for 2 hour intervels every four hours or so, but it was very inconvient).
My dad hardly ever talks to us and won't answer the phone at his mothers house because apparently theres a 'code' that they use so he doesn't have to talk to us. All summer I've spent inside the house, i've been out three times in which I saw two movies and one show. The only thing I wanted to do this summer was go to this really big Exhibition thats held in my area every year, i've been looking forward to it all summer long and my dad called tonight at 12:45 am to tell me that I can't go because he can't get any money.
He quit his job and won't support us, and we can't easily support ourselves because jobs are extremely difficult to find in this area....and on top of this there isn't anyone I can talk to because I have no friends and I'm starting to be scared that I'll turn into a social intervert or somthing. Until recently having no friends and living in poverty hasn't crushed my spirits, I've never looked at myself as a loser and I still don't for the most part. I'm sad because I've lost what should have been the happiest years of my life. I'm not sure how writing this will help...but since I have nobody to talk too I thought I'd be easier to open up to a stranger. Thanks.

"I'm glad you found the courage to talk about your situation. My heart goes out to you because I believe it's unfair to put children, regardless of age, through adult situations. It sounds like you might be feeling responsible for what is happening—you can’t control the situation, so you feel helpless; it causes you to question your own strengths and abilities.

In my own experience, I had lots of friends in high school; my best friends came and went, we kept in touch, but I learned not to base who I was, my self-worth, on how many friends I had. The truth of the matter is, it is very rare to make lasting friendships in high school; if you do, so much the better, but there is nothing wrong if you don’t. As you get older it’s inevitable you will meet people with the same interests as you—for example, if you are interested in music, or a particular sport, dance, computers, art, etc., you need to look for friends outside of the high school bubble. You have graduated, so now your life is just beginning. It’s a scary thought…but every body goes through it.
As for your father, I’ve known people that, when they feel like they are backed into a corner, the easiest thing for them to do is run, men especially. They tend to think and act as if the problem doesn’t exist—if they ignore it, it will go away. That’s how men usually deal with things. I haven’t known too many mothers to run away from their children.
I know that many cities have resources for situations like this. Your local churches are usually willing to help till your mother gets on her feet again. The important thing for you now is to focus on your future; you may need to get a part time job, if you don’t already have one, and you need to get yourself into college. You can rise above your situation, and education is the key.
I believe that we go through situations in our life that make us stronger; in the future you look back on the hard times and think if I can get through that, I get through anything else that comes.
It seems to me that when you keep calling your father it’s empowering him to have control over your situation—he has the upper hand. He may have his reasons for what he’s doing, but it should be kept between your parents, not you. I can’t imagine a parent treating their child like that. That’s just wrong, you have done nothing to deserve the treatment he is giving you. He doesn’t want to own up to his responsibilities as a father.
You need to get out of the house, get involved in church youth groups, or the community theater, and surround yourself with positive people. Libraries are a great resource, especially the main branches--there are all sorts of programs you can get involved with...knowledge is power.

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! It sounds like you’re a good person, with good morals and values; so don’t think negatively about yourself. As adults, we tend to look back and regret things we did or didn’t do, but we can’t change the past—we can only change the future. Dr. Phil says that you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, and I think you have the courage and the drive to change your situation. You just need some direction.

I’m providing you with some links that you might be interested in checking out; they might help you. Also, you might like to read Family Matters, Self Matters, and Life Strategies For Teens, by Phil McGraw and Jay McGraw, respectively. These are great books with concrete advice. There is a song called “Back Against the Wall” by BJ Thomas that I listen to all the time—he says don’t you ever get your back against the wall, because he went through a lot when he was younger.

We are always here if you need someone to talk to. This is only my opinion…I wish you all the best.

Signed, The Mother.”

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